What can you do when you just don’t know what you’re doing?
I of course mean this in the general sense. I know that right now I am writing this, but when I try to think about why I’m doing it, I’m not so sure. This is a theme that comes up a lot in my life. School, work, hobbies, relationships. I just really don’t know.
I’ve talked a bit about my experience with therapy, and it’s mostly positive. One thing I find myself doing a lot in therapy is saying “I don’t know.” And in case you’re not familiar with how therapy (and conversation in general) works, that’s really not helpful.
“What is your goal for therapy? What do you want to get out of it?” — “I don’t know. I can’t explain why, but something just doesn’t feel right. I think I’ll know when I feel it, but I don’t know.”
“How are you feeling about work?” — “Mostly ok I guess. I don’t know. It’s fine.”
“What is your relationship like with your mom?” — “I don’t have one. I don’t know, I don’t really think about her much unless other people bring her up. It is what it is I guess.”
This is what a conversation with my therapist looks like. In fact, I’m pretty sure we’ve both said these exact sentences a few times over the last 2 years. And a lot of the time I really don’t know. Or at least, my brain is making it really difficult to understand and articulate what I do know. God, what I wouldn’t give to be one of those men who are so confident and always have an answer. Even when they really don’t know anything about the topic.
If you asked me what kind of music I like I would say, “Uh, I don’t know. Lots of stuff I guess. Just not country music.” — This one isn’t true. I do know what kind of music I like.
You could ask me what I do for fun and I would probably reply, “I don’t know, play with my dog, watch TV, scroll endlessly through my phone…” — Again, not true. I do know what I do for fun.
The list goes on. My therapist and I have determined that I don’t like to take up space. Physically, mentally, or emotionally. I want to be as unobtrusive in peoples’ lives as I possibly can be. Saying “I don’t know” is a relatively quick way of getting people to stop asking me things and focus on something else. I guess I’m just not a man-spreader — literally or metaphorically. This is at least a problem I’ve identified, so it’s a little bit easier to work toward a solution. Whether I do that or not is another question, but maybe not for this article.
Then there are things I really don’t know how to answer. “Why do you want to be a software developer?” — “I don’t know. It just feels like something I want to do. I can’t think of a specific reason why…” “What are you passionate about?” — “I don’t know. I can’t think of anything…” “When were you last happy?” — “I don’t know. I also don’t know when. I last felt sad or angry.”
I’m sure there are reasons for each of these things. They might all even be the same. When I try to think about these issues and understand why, my brain feels like the moment in a movie when people are communicating by radio and their voice starts to cut out and is replaced by static. As I try to think more about the topic I feel the front of my brain go blank and the answer to the question sinks deeper into the blackness.
I used to have a similar feeling a lot more often back before I started taking anxiety medication. This would happen every time I felt really overwhelmed or frustrated. I guess I can at least assume that trying to understand those questions is more overwhelming than my medication can overcome.
But these questions are objectively more important than what kind of food I like or who my favorite artist is. These are questions about the state of my life, my mental health, my identity. And I can’t answer them. How can I plan for the future when I don’t even know how to articulate where I am right now? You probably guessed it, I don’t know.
Last week I started trying to post on here with some regularity. I said at the beginning of this article that I didn’t know why. That was a lie. As a kid I used to like writing, and I’ve found that it’s easier for me to say something in writing than it is to say it out loud. Here I don’t feel like I’m taking up space. Or at least, you can click the back button and forget about me entirely.
I’m doing this because I’m hoping it will help me answer some of those questions. Maybe someone will read the things I write and be able to identify with something and offer a viewpoint or some advice that I hadn’t considered before.
I hope at least that I can pull something out of the shadowy part in the front of my brain and put it on the page like some sad belaying. Once it’s written down, it can’t fall into the blackness. At least that’s the hope.
